Extreme independence is a trauma response
Or is it?
“Hi Krysta, I keep seeing this [meme] going around and I'd love your take on it -- do you think this is always true?”
Extreme Independence Is A Trauma Response
Oh I love this question! There is so much to unpack here as a trauma-specializing therapist. Have you seen this meme?
On one level this meme makes sense because a trauma response is essentially any behavior that is not helpful to us which we started in an attempt to protect ourselves from previous traumatic injury. This can be from an acute single-incident trauma (like an accident or tragedy or assault) or this can be from repeated developmental traumas (like abuse, neglect or repeated chaos). So yes, people can develop “extreme independence” as a way to keep from trusting. Trust makes us vulnerable. It’s a big risk we’d rather not take anyway- and especially not if we have a lot of traumatic evidence to suggest that trust is foolish.
But the way this meme is used and discussed is sometimes missing some important points. “Is this always true?” In a word: no. I’ll explain.
First, we need to define “extreme independence” because I think that is where most confusion about this idea comes from. The key word here is extreme. Independence itself is actually a sign of a secure attachment in childhood (or healing) and a well-regulated nervous system. The ability to trust yourself, count on yourself, take care of yourself and come through for yourself- these are ALL traits of a healthy person.
So we have to look at what extreme independence might look like. Here’s a few examples of what I’ve seen:
Not letting a spouse help with tasks even though they’re willing, able and kind.
Not confiding in loved ones that have shown they are trustworthy, have good intentions and care about you.
Not delegating tasks appropriately in a team work environment- to the detriment of yourself, your team or the project’s success.
Doing jobs that actually belong to other people because only you can do it right.
You see, what makes independence go from healthy to “extreme” is the context. The examples above threaten your health, your relationships closeness or your work. Not sure how to determine this? A good litmus test would be to ask yourself
In personal life: Is this a person who has demonstrated they are worthy of trust and care about me? Is your independence keeping you isolated from them?
In professional life: Is this a context where job roles are defined, others are capable and willing and I’m overstepping? Is your independence getting in the way of your goals?
Because if so you probably need to dial back the independence and let other people in.
So what we need to be clear about: being selective in who you rely upon is a sign of health, not trauma. Not everyone should be a part of your team. In fact, regularly trusting others who haven’t proven their reliability is another trauma response (often called learned helplessness or dependency) so you can see it’s not about a “correct response” as much as it is about a “correct response” to the context. Context is key.
Mental health is often found in the “in between”. What this means is: it’s not “unhealthy” to be independent. It’s unhealthy in the extreme because in the extreme it is getting in the way of meaningful relationships, achievement and the support that every human needs.
Often if we are confused about where we lie on the spectrum we just need to consider the outcomes of our choices. Do you feel connected, grounded, safe and worthy? And are people safe around you? Okay then carry on! Conversely do you feel disconnected, agitated, scared, unsafe or worthless? Or are you wounding others? Then there’s something to examine more deeply.
In the meantime, sparkle you independent jewel! Knowing that you can trust yourself is a beautiful gift!
Krysta
ps- if you want me to answer other questions feel free to send me an email.
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